I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He passed out mid-signature
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize