I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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