i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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