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Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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