I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
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Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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