I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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