Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
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How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
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I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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