I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
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Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
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I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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