I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
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Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
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I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize