it was like his penis was on wheels.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
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He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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