She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just put wine in my tea
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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