apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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