I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
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She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
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My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Everyone says I win the strip club
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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