Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
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You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
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Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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