my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
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She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
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*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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