i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize