today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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