Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Tornado booty call.. dedication
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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