I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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