I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
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Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
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I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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