The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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