tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
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I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
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Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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