grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
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There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So squirting runs in the family.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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