She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
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I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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