I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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