Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
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She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
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Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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