i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
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Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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