Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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