So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
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You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
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Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize