these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Floor bacon is actually really good
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