He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
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Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
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Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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