At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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