I accidentally had phone sex last night
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
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He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
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Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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