god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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