$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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