can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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