you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
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Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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