Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
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I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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