She went from zero to smokin in five shots
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
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My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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