maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
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All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Mom said you looked used
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
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You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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