So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
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He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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