So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
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My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
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I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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