Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize