My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
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I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
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Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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