He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ketchup is God's man juice
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Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
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At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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