Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize