I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
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