I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
worst night to have a conscience
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
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it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
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i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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