why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
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Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
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After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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