i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
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He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
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So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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